Engage My Brain

My Weaknesses

1.  MY VISION IS SCREWED UP. I can see, but I see everything -- and I mean everything. But I do not see it all as a whole, but rather as a hodgepodge of separate elements. Because I am so sensitive to light and all the other details of my surroundings, I become overwhelmed if I don't tune it out to a large extent. I prefer to use my peripheral over my central vision. Oh, and I have lousy depth perception.

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2.  Because my vision is so screwed up, MY MOTOR COORDINATION IS IMPAIRED. Basically, think of it as how you would function if you had consumed a quart of vodka and then tried to thread a needle. You wouldn't be very successful. You would know exactly what you had to do, but your aim would be off. This is how it is with me.

 

3. My FINE MOTOR and HAND EYE COORDINATION IS OFF. I can still function OK. I can dress myself and tie my shoes, but everything I do that requires the precise control of vision and movement, which my disorder has deprived me of, is difficult for me.

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4. I have a HIGH TOLERANCE FOR PAIN because I am hypo-sensitive to it. This can be a good thing, because I am not bothered much by the cold or the heat. But it is also a bad thing because if I felt pain typically I would not engage in some of the self injurious behaviors that I do, like pulling my hair out, hitting and pinching myself and scratching myself until I bleed.

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3.  SPEECH. I HAVE IT, BUT IT IS NOT CURRENTLY CONNECTED TO MY THOUGHTS.  When I speak throughout the day at NuPath, I am just uttering rote phrases and words. It might drive you crazy, but hearing my voice repeating these phrases calms me. Just like my other stims calm me. Still, I hate not being able to say what I really want to say -- what I am really thinking and feeling.

It is a catch-22, because not being able to say what I really want to say really drives me crazy, and that frustration that causes me to repeat nonsense. I can express my thoughts through typing because my hyper-thinking can be slowed and my impulsivity can be reigned in.

 

This is what is important for you to understand. I have plenty of words. I have the ability to say them. I have the desire to speak. But whereas the path from your brain to your mouth is a smooth, paved one, the path from my brain to my mouth is an obstacle course full of barbed wire and pot holes.

I can get around all these obstacles, but I will need your help and we will need to take it slow and steady. This does not mean that we limit the distance. It just means that you will have to help me pace myself so that I can figure out for myself how I am going to get around each and every barrier.

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